bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
