just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
