At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
