Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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