I look better un-naked...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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