I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
