Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Actions speak louder than pants.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
