How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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