i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
