wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
