He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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