It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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