He kissed a someone with a penis
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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