he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
