I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
