Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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