Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There's always time for handjobs
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
