My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
