you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
