I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
