He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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