For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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