Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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