Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
