Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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