I just pynch a tree in the face
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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