WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
