just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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