using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
