keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
why is half of my head shaved?
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