I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
