recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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