i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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