my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
