what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
