It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
