We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
