Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
