i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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