She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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