Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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