Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
