the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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