I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
