I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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