So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
