I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
