I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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