so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
is wine microwaveable?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
