I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
