not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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